This Is Not A Happy Post

I went the entire month of September without a blog post.

I’m not sure any of my readers felt the absence, but I sure have.

Things have been hard lately; I’ve been very caught up in life and as a result, my passion is suffering. Right now it seems like I have to focus all of my time and energy on fixing the hard things and writing isn’t as important. I prefer to keep my posts light and fun but I’m not feeling those things. So I’ve been silent instead.

Lately, I am failing. A lot.

I am failing at being a blogger. I thought it would be such a great hobby and maybe, maybe lead to a career in writing. That would be so cool. I have been too afraid to share where I am in life right now, so I just didn’t write anything but budgets and shopping lists. It’s not the same, as you can imagine.

I am failing as a stay-at-home mom. Not the part that includes raising my daughter and step-daughter; That is the one thing in life (aside from writing) I feel like I am truly good at. As it turns out, though, loving your children does not pay the bills.

I am failing as a friend because I’ve chosen to isolate myself in all of this instead of reaching out to people I know care about me. I’ve also been absent in celebrating others’ triumphs because I’m so clouded by my own shortcomings.

Life took an unexpected turn – one that wasn’t laid out ahead of us when we decided I would not return to teaching for another year. There are circumstances over which I am completely powerless and, as a result, I am no longer able to be home with Evelyn every day. Life happens as it happens, and here we are.

The end of this (very short) era is nearing and to say I am heart broken is an understatement. I don’t understand why I’d be called to stay home if it wouldn’t actually be possible to do so. You have to play with the cards you’re dealt, I know.

I’m in a very tough season, friends. It is my hope that I can find my sense of humor again and continue seeing silver-linings. It is my hope that I can keep writing funny things and bringing joy to those who read them- I love making others happy.

Today, though, I am sad.

I’ve written and trashed three or four of these posts over the last month because I am so afraid of putting my hurt out there for people to see; afraid of acknowledging it; afraid of accepting it.

I’m sharing this one today in case maybe it brings comfort to someone else who is struggling, too. You are not alone.

No gifs today. Maybe next time.

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